Monday, August 20, 2012

Choices scene 4


That night Duke arose. For being nearest to the back room entrance the sound of his brother’s voice echoing through the big room awoke him.
“I must do this last thing,” Duke heard his brother say soothingly, “or our future well be lost.”
“I would have no future without you.” Darlene replied showing who Anthony was speaking to.
Duke sprung from his rack bed and landed on the cement. Taking his boots and jacket Duke ran through the other room to the outdoor entrance. Duke, at the edge of the storage door, saw Anthony and Darlene had walked out standing in moonlit night.
 “This new mobster is planning something, I will stop it,” Anthony stated, “If I don’t come back…”
“You’re foolish,” Darlene spoke in shaky laughter, “I’ll kill you if you don’t.”
Darlene couldn’t stop holding back her tears and she fell into Anthony’s arms.
Duke turn from the entrance and stood there in the dark. His future had changed drastically though he had a chance to try to keep it as it was. He would make sure his brother would come back!
Coat and boots on, Duke waited for the appropriate moment, once Darlene turned, then he snuck out.
Fort Greene Park was luminous at night as Duke came upon the meeting place: a large tower, a monument, stood tall in the middle of a clearing. Dark figures where on one side and Anthony came up the other. Duke pulled to a stop and ducked behind a tree when a billowing laugh came from the dark group meeting his brother.  “Good evening Double Shooter,” the deep voice greeted.
Duke turned to see behind the tree if he could get closer to see and hear when he saw a clump of thick welcoming bushes.
Dropping to the ground he could smell the earth and feel the frosted grass on his bare hands and wrist. He started to belly crawl.
“I was not surprised that you had made it, Sliver Spinner did a good job giving my message.”
That voice must be Ace Card’s, Duke Thought his knees getting cold as his pant legs got wetter. The bushes didn’t rustle as he counseled himself inside them. Looking through the other side he saw Ace Card and his men. Ace Card was overweight, though the men beside him could easily be told that they were the professionals in their business. Each had a different weapon also, all have never been seen by Duke.
“Ace Card, I have not come to talk small talk...”
“Sh-sh-sh,” Ace card cut Anthony off, “Let’s not quibble I’m giving you a prince’s title and land. You join me; we take Brooklyn and be the rulers over the whole city by tomorrow after noon.”
Take Brooklyn, awesome! Duke thought but his excitement disappeared as his brother spoke, “You take this town, you ruin it, just like all the generations that had done it before,” Anthony unveiled his two pistols, “and I will stop this from happening.”
Duke watched as many weapons where relived as the first shot from his brother went off. It was meant for Ace Card but one of the henchmen had blocked it.
Anthony? Duke watched his brother fight to be a normal ordinary man. When the cold sound of a Tompson made Duke’s heart stop as his brother fell to the ground.
“An!..” Duke’s cry was quieted as a hand was clapped across his month.
“Shut up,” Michael hissed. His arm around Duke and a hand clasp over his lips. Balance lost, Duke and Michael fell to the ground.  Duke’s pain and anger mixed; flaring inside him as he stood and pick up Michael.
“Don’t touch me!” Duke growled at his best buddy.
“If you go out there you will die also,” Michael’s eyes were filled with sorrow. Even though not related the Panthers were closely knit together. Anthony was each boy’s older brother. Duke saw this in Michael’s eyes and remembered this was his friend. He fell back on the ground to hear the battle was done and Ace Card’s noxious voice, “Sadly Double Shooter is no more. He would have been an excellent addition.” 

J.A.

1 comment:

  1. I just read through the 4 scenes for this story. There is definitely potential in these characters and in the story as a whole :)

    One or two suggestions I might make, would be to try to make the dialogue flow a little more like common speech (though it does seem like you are trying to keep the 'era/historical setting' in mind).

    And then maybe work a little on not being so obvious with the 'flow of ideas' (e.g. "Darlene replied showing who Anthony was speaking to.") <With this example from this scene, just putting in that the character heard Darlene's voice would be enough to 'show who Anthony was talking to' . . . But again, there's lots of potential here, I'd like to see the rest of the story :)

    ReplyDelete

The comments are for critiques and complements. Comments with inappropriate language will not be posted.

Thank you.