Saturday, February 9, 2013

Title not given

Walking in the middle of nowhere is all I can do out here. Nothing exciting ever happens in Arabia. Especially if you’re normal like me. On top of that, no one respects women! I don’t even know why I live here with my father! Anyway, I somewhat do like walking around in the sand bare feet, wearing my blue skirt and my half tee-shirt that my aunt in Canada, Alberta shipped me. It gives me a sense of freedom from the law and my black Abaya. My feet sink deeper into the sand when I stand tall and proud with the warmth of the wind pushing me lightly. My hair and my clothes blowing like waves on an ocean. Everything is quiet and peaceful, just the way I always wanted it to be. Suddenly my hand starts rising in front of me like someone is lifting it. Than it turns into a tight fist. Unexpectedly a large wave of sand comes toward me. I try to run away but my feet are glued to the ground, sinking me into the sand! The first thing I do is panic and struggle. This couldn't be quick sand. And it’s in the middle of nowhere! II taunt myself. I’m down to my waist and the sand wave is right above me, SLAM! I’m in blackness.

No name given


  1. I like the plot points showing where this story is heading and the overall feel is something I would read. Though, I would like to have a little more detail on what's going on.

  2. Ditto on Joan Ark's comment. :)

    There is definitely a good sense of character here - we already suspect what kind of person we are hearing the thoughts of . . . but the last half of the paragraph seems to come at us a little too quickly - or (like Joan Ark said) we need a little more detail following the sentence where her hand begins to lift up in order to keep from becoming confused ;P :D

    Great job, though :)

  3. Definitely can tell this is being written by a young person....likely a girl, as the protagonist is a girl. Onomatopoeia makes the author sound childish, as do frequent exclamation marks. Writing needs some work--no chance of publication without vast editing.


The comments are for critiques and complements. Comments with inappropriate language will not be posted.

Thank you.